Harry Potter and the Sorcerer that got Stoned
by snowieaddz
Summary: Harry and 9 others go to an American school for a bit of a cultural exchange program. And well, you all know how crazy Americans are (parties, drag races...) *Rated R for typical American teenage behavior (drugs, beer, sex, ext.)*
1. Chapter One

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer that got Stoned

~***Chapter One*~**

It had been a day like any other at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.  Everyone had risen from their beds as late as ever, scurried to the Great Hall in order to get some breakfast, and then rushed off to their morning classes.  Today, the first year Gryffindors and Slytherins sat in Defense Against the Dark Arts awaiting their teacher's, Professor Quirrell's, arrival.

            "Maybe Professor Trelawney spent the night with him," Seamus Finnigan offered in an innocent voice as an explanation for their teacher's tardiness.

            This caused a few rows of laughter from the Gryffindor side of the room. However, the Slytherins didn't find it all that amusing.  They may have thought Quirrell to be a stuttering fool but he was still a Slytherin.  They felt some need to protect the reputation of their house.

            "Finnigan, your eyebrows are filling in nicely," Malfoy said with a sharp hiss.  "I still roll over laughing when I think of you scuttling from the Charms classroom to the Infirmary.  You can't even levitate a stupid feather."

Now, it was the Slytherins turn to laugh.  Malfoy took this as a sign of encouragement and continued insulting Seamus.

"Too bad Madam Pomfrey couldn't fix them with magic.  I'd hate to have to repair my magical maladies by using muggle means."

            His sneering tone echoed off the stone walls of the room.  The door to the classroom shut abruptly with a flick of the teacher's wrist.  It's slamming signaled the start of class and everyone sat quietly waiting for the lesson to begin as the professor gathered his notes together.

            "M-mr. Malfoy.  That c-Comment is eEx-x-actly why I am late."  A few of the students raised their eyebrows, wondering what the old bat was talking about.

            "I have j-just sp-Pent the last hour wiTh P-profesSor  D-Dumb-bldore.  He feels ttHat the F-first years a-Aren'tt p-prep-pared to live in p-peacce with mugg-gals.  Ahh.. Here is M-mr. Weesal to ex-x-plain."

            A few of the Slytherins chuckled at the mispronunciation of the name while Arthur Weasley stepped into the classroom.  Ron let out an audible groan at seeing his father.

            Harry Potter leaned over to Ron and whispered, "What's going on?"

            Ron just shook his head and gave a look that meant he had no idea why his father was there.

            "Professor Quirrell, how nice to see you again.  Good morning class.  I'm Arthur Weasley, Head of the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office at the Ministry."  He sounded a little over zealous about the fact.  "I'm here at the Headmasters request.  He feels that you all aren't up to date with muggle conduct and need a bit of a reintroduction to the muggle culture.  He has asked if I could work something out between Hogwarts and a muggle school that would allow everyone here to be attend a different school for a week."

            All of the Slytherins' and a few Griffindors' jaws just about dropped to the floor.  After everyone got over the initial shock, the classroom broke into huge outburst of conversation.  Nearly everyone was shouting to express the pointlessness of the whole thing.  One rather whiny voice was heard above the rest.

            "Wait until my father hears about this!  He'll never stand for it!"

            Mr. Weasley attempted to settle the class down.  

            "Children!  Children!"  They seemed to ignore him and continued with their shouts and objections.

            "_Sonorus!_"  His voice automatically projected itself around the room.  "CHILDREN, IF I MAY EXPLAIN WITHOUT INTERUPTION!"  Everyone quieted down and looked at the red haired man.  His cheeks were flushed at having to calm such a disruption.

            "_Quietus!_"  The older man's voice returned to normal.  "Now please, let me explain the situation.  Professor Dumbledore has noticed that several students have become, shall we say 'muggle intolerant' and he would like to see that changed.  I have organized it so that there will be ten of you entering any particular school in the United States."

            "America?  We're going to America to learn about muggles?!" Malfoy shouted.

            "Yes, Draco," Mr. Weasley said with an amused tone.  "Won't it be wonderful?  Anyway, have your things packed for a week and be ready to leave tomorrow directly after breakfast.  Are there any questions?"

            A few hands shot into the air, unsurprisingly, Hermione Granger's was included.

            "Ah yes, Hermione," Mr. Weasley acknowledged.

            "I'm assuming we are going to a boarding school?"

            "Actually, no.  You will be attending a muggle public school and stay with a family from the community.  They believe that everyone visiting the schools are cultural exchange students.  Sort of like a Triwizard Tournament but without the wands.  Anyone else?  You there; in the red shirt."

            "I'm Seamus, Mr. Weasley."

            "Sorry Seamus, escaped my mind.  Your question?"

            "You said only 10 of us will be going to each school.  So who is going with whom?"

            "I'm sorry.  Did I forget to mention your groups?"

            A few 'humpfs' came from the Slytherin students.  

            Arthur continued, "Let's see.  Lavender Brown, Millicent Bulstrode, Vincent Crabbe, Seamus Finnigan, Hermione Granger, Draco Malfoy, Pansy Parkinson, Harry Potter, Ron, and Neville Longbottom will all be going to the rural town of Poolesville and attending the local high school there.  And the rest of the Slytherins and Gryffindors will be going to-"

            Hermione's hand was waving in the air frantically, trying to gain acknowledgement.  

            "Yes, Hermione?"

            "Sir, you said we will be attending an American, muggle high school.  But clearly, we aren't old enough to attend a high school.  We will stand out like sore thumbs."

            "Humm.  I never thought of that."

            Several Slytherins resorted the '*cough* dumbass *cough*' technique.

            Arthur seemed to ignore it.  "I know.  I'll have Aging Potion for everyone tomorrow.  Each person will just need to make sure they apply it once a day so they look old enough.  Now if that is all, I must get back to the Ministry.  And remember, dress muggle!"

            With that, Mr. Weasley left and Defense Against the Dark Arts began.

~*~*~*````*~*~*~

            That night, the only talk in the Gryffindor common room was about the first years' trip the next day.  Everyone wanted to know the details; where they were going, who was in their group, ext.  The first year didn't mind the shift of attention at all.  They were offered the best seats in front of the fire and were coaxed to share their stories to the sixth and seventh years.

            "Ron, all of the girls are going to love the British accent.  They always do," Fred said with a growl at the end of his sentence.

            "You too, Harry.  American girls are so much looser than the ones around here.  I wish Dumbledore set something like that up for the sixth years. Make sure you get a few pictures!" George added.

            Percy the Prefect came over and said in a snobbish voice to his brother, "George, I highly doubt Harry will be making time for girls.  He does have _specific tasks_ to complete."

            Harry's head piped up at this.  He hadn't heard anything about assignments.  "What do you mean by _specific tasks_?"

            "I can't discuss that with you.  It is strictly Prefect knowledge."

            "Oh come on Perce.  Ron's your own brother and you know Harry well enough.  You're not going to give them a heads up?" George said in the sweetest tone he could muster, putting a hand on his brother's shoulder.

            "Dumbledore's orders.  I can't tell ANYONE; including my own flesh and blood."

            "Jolly good fun you are," Ron said with a yawn.

            "Well, I'm gonna hit the sack.  You coming, Ron?"

            "Yeah, I'll be up in a minute.

            With that, Harry went upstairs, thinking about what the next day would bring.

*****

Author's Note:  I know it isn't all that funny yet, but you have to wait till they actually get to America.  I like to set up some sort of a plot.


	2. Chapter Two

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer that got Stoned

~***Chapter Two*~**

The next day, most of the first years woke up early and packed their things.  Harry had almost no anxiety about the upcoming trip.  He was raised in a muggle family.  He knew what was expected of him, what he would need to survive for a week, and really, all about muggles.  Ron on the other hand, was totally freaking out.

            "Harry, I've never even been to the muggle part of London!  How am I going to survive without my wand for an entire week?  I don't even know the general terms for things."  His voice was beyond panic.  The freckled boy's face was red and blotchy with worry.

            Harry had been packing his own bag, throwing in all different types of clothes.  He had no idea where Poolesville was and he certainly didn't know what the weather would be like.  He had to be prepared for anything.

"Don't worry Ron.  You'll do fine.  All you have to do is act like you know what you're doing.  If you don't know the name for something just say something like, 'What do you call that again?  Oh!  We call it something else in the UK.'  Trust me, you'll be all right.  Hermione and I will guide you through this," The Boy Who Lived said while throwing a few toiletries in the bag.

"What are THOSE?" He pointed at a small box.  His voice hadn't lost its franticness and spoke very quickly.  "I don't have any of THOSE!  What am I going to do?  Harry, are there stores where I can buy THOSE?"

"RON!  Take a chill pill!  They're Band-Aids.  And you can find them in every muggle drugstore."  

Weasley looked as if his friend was lying to him.

"Look, here!  Take them.  If you get a cut, just take one out of the box and put it on the wound."  Harry demonstrated by coving his finger with a bandage.

Ron looked at the box as if he were dingo that just captured a baby.  "Thanks."

            Seamus, who had packed last night, finished helping Neville fit his clothes into a suitcase.  He let out a quick yawn.

            "You guys almost done?  They started serving breakfast ten minutes ago.  I'm staving."

            Harry zipped up his bag quickly and said, "Yup.  I'm ready."

            "Hold on a second," Ron mumbled.  "I can't find my sandals." 

"Do you think we're going to need sandals?" Neville peeped.

"Of course!  It is called POOL-esville.  It has got to be named that for a reason," Ron superiorly said.

Harry searched under his bed for a pair of sandals.  "He's got a point, guys.  There has got to be at least one pool."

Seamus was getting rather impatient.  "Come on!  You guys have everything you could possibly need packed.  I doubt if a pair of sandals will make a difference.  I'm going to breakfast and anyone else that is hungry can follow."

~*~*~*````*~*~*~

Some time later, all of the first years were in the Great Hall standing with their groups.  They looked out of place in colorful muggle clothing.  Arthur Weasley was present, along with Bill Weasley, Dumbledore, and two middle aged wizards the Gryffindors didn't recognize.  Dumbledore had the attention of everyone in the room, they were apprehensively awaiting details.  He whispered something into Arthur's ear then looked at the students.

The withering man cleared his throat and addressed his audience.  "I know that everyone in this room is excited about going to America but I must first explain some of the aspects of the trip and the rules.

"Firstly, everyone in the room will be given one hundred United States dollars.  No more, no less.  Your first task will be to gain an understanding of the currency since money moves mountains in the United States.  You must budget your money to last you for seven days.  If you run out, you will have to make do with what you have.

"Your second task will be to become acquainted with your host family.  They will act as your real family would.  They will be your friends and your authority.  Please heed any rules your host parents give you while living in their household.  Also, make an effort to befriend your host brother or sister.  Everyone will have one and they will be attending the same school you do and hopefully, will show you the ropes.

"Your third task is to make as many friends as is humanly possible and learn as much as you as can about the muggle world.  Please bear in mind that you will most likely be given an essay to write at your return from each of your professors.  It would benefit you greatly if you choose to disassociate yourself from your wizard and witch counterparts for your time spent with the muggles."

Dumbledore got a twinkle in his eyes and continued his monologue.  "Also, while you will never see your muggle friends again, you will see your classmates.  If you chose to do something that is not of… habit, I suggest you do it out of your peers' eyesight.

"I believe that is it for procedure.  Now, the rules.  You will have no wand.  Mr. Weasley, if you be so kindly as to go around and collect them?"

"Of course, Albus," he said while taking wands from several gawking Ravenclaws.  

"Refrain from telling your new friends true things about you.  Make up a town where you are from, the school you go to, and your age ahead of time.  Oh I almost forgot.  The Aging Potion should make everyone precisely three years older.  That means that some of you will be seventeen and a majority of you will be sixteen.  The third and final rule is to _have fun_.  This is meant to be an enjoyable trip.  You do not have to try particularly hard in your muggle classes seeing as most of it will go right over your heads.  Just relax and learn from experiences."  

The old man paused for a moment and gave a thoughtful look for a moment.  "Humm.. I don't believe I forgot anything…," he mumbled to himself.  "Now, I think we are ready to administer the Aging Potion."

Every first year was given a small, glass vile that contained a silvery potion.  They all looked around, seeing who would take the first drink.  It was Susan Bones, the Hufflepuff.  With a quick, "Bottoms up!" the drink disappeared down her throat.  She instantly grew about 15cm, her hips widened.  When her transformation was complete, her clothes were much too small for her body.  Her pants were above her ankles; her shirt rose and made her belly button clearly visable.

"That is what I forgot!  Clothes!  Mr. Weasley, Mr. Weasley, and Mr. Abbott will be around to transfigure your clothing to fit after you have aged.  Mr. Turpin, I know that you're rather good at charms.  Would you mind doing a quick spell to the trunks and charm the clothing to fit the bodies of their owners?"

Mr. Turpin, Lisa Turpin's father, gave a short and crisp, "Certainly" then set off to work.

Slowly, everyone took their Aging Potions.  Harry looked practically the same, only taller and handsomer.  Ron just skimmed the six foot mark and was very well built.  The girls would surely be swooning over his unique physique.

Hermione made the most notable change out of anyone in the room.  Her hair had lost its frizz.  It was now a beautiful, wavy mane.  She stood at about 5'7'' and had a remarkable attractiveness to her face.  The one part of her Harry couldn't even look at without blushing was her chest.  It was large but not awkward, and they looked so _lusciously_ desirable.

Malfoy observed the trio.  They looked incredibly ridiculous in their ten-sizes-too-small clothing.  He wasn't taking his potion until one of those fools came over here to transform his garments.  Though, he had to admit that Granger girl didn't look all that bad in a tight fitting t-shirt.

Finally, Bill had come over to their group and transformed everyone's clothes.  Just as he was about to move on, Draco gulped down his potion.  Bill quickly transfigured his clothed and moved on to help others.

Ron's jaw fell to the floor when he saw Draco Malfoy's sixteen year old form.  He didn't think anyone could look that good.  Not that he went for guys, but DAMN.  His face was clear and aristocratic.  His neck swept down with clean lines.  Malfoy was a living, breathing specimen of masculinity.

Dumbledore's aging voice called to the crowd before him, "Seven vials have been placed in each of your suitcases.  Remember to drink one once a day for each day that you are gone.  Now, I believe we are ready to go.  Chaperones please go to your groups."

Arthur Weasley came over and stood with Ron, Harry, Draco and the others.  His face looked tremendously giddy.  "Are we all ready to go?"

Everyone nodded.  "All right then.  Grab your trunks and touch this shirt.  We're traveling by portkey."

"There is no way I touching that disgusting rag," Malfoy droned.  "It is probably infested with fleas." 

"I assure you, Mr. Malfoy, that it is just charmed to look dirty so that it can be easily disposed of once we arrive."

Draco just muttered something about it probably being the finest piece of clothing owned by the family and reluctantly grabbed the fabric.  Seconds later, the group of eleven arrived in a darkly lit parking lot.

"Where are we?  And why is it dark outside?  We left at ten," Neville asked with a tinge of fear.

Draco sneered, "There is a time difference, Longbottom.  Or did the concept of the international time line slip from your from that thick head of yours?"

Arthur Weasley could feel a fight in the making and quickly intervened.  "No need to be so harsh, Draco.  It is an easy enough mistake to make.  As for where we are, why we're in the parking lot of one of the greatest establishments in the States!"

"Harvard?!" Hermione said with complete surprise.

"The Mall of America!?" Lavender Brown said at the same time, her eyes as big as child's on Christmas morning.

Mr. Weasley chuckled.  "No no no.  Wal-Mart!"

Crabbe let out a grunt.  "What the hell is Wal-Mart?"

"It's an inexpensive, American shopping chain.  Many of them are open twenty four hours a day."

Everyone's face fell.

"Oh come on!  Your first task is to gain an understanding of the currency.  You should buy something and meet at the entrance in an hour.  It's five o'clock now.  We must leave to meet your host families at precisely six o'clock.  Here," he pulled a wallet out of his back pocket.  "Here is your hundred dollars.  Spend wisely."  He rolled out the dough to each person.

Mr. Weasley rushed ahead of them, excited to see all of the muggle objects in the store.

"I bet that's the most money you've ever seen in your life let alone held, Weasley."

"Shut up Malfoy," Harry hissed.  He stopped and faced everyone in the group.  "We may not all like each other but we are stuck together for the next week.  How about a week long truce.  No stupid house rivalries, no making fun of each other."

"How very _Gryffindor_ of you," Draco said it like an insult.  "But where would I find joy in my life if I accepted such a truce?"  He gave a malicious smile.

Neville decided to change the topic.  "You guys, we only have one hour to learn how the money system works.  We had better go inside and actually buy something."

"Shut up, Longbottom.  No one asked for your opinion.  Come on Crabbe, Goyle.  We have a currency to learn."

With that, Draco and his goons left for the store.  Millicent and Pansy followed silently behind them.

"Wonder what crawled up his ass!" Lavender said with loathing.

"That is just typical behavior," Hermione stated.  "But I can't help but wonder why Millicent and Pansy are so quiet."

"Probably still shocked that they won't be using their wands for a week," Ron carelessly said.

"Yea," Harry retorted.

With that, they Gryffindors strode through the doors of the * _greatest_ * establishment in the United States, Wal-Mart.

*****

Author's Note:  I know, it still isn't funny.  But wait one more chapter.  If you don't laugh while their in class, then wait two more chapters.  You'll defiantly laugh at their activities on a Friday night.  I guarantee it.  

Also, I'm trying to update daily.  I don't have any papers to write, so I probably will.  It isn't going to be a long fic.  I doubt if there will be more than 7 chapters.  But we'll see.


	3. Chapter Three

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer that got Stoned

~***Chapter Three*~**

  "Hey!  Look!  Here are some Dand-Aids with Pokeman on them!"

"They're _Band_-Aids, Ron.  And you don't want ones with _Pokemon_ on them," Hermione sighed while looking at some shampoo.

"Well, why not?  They look pretty cool.  See this one?  It has a Squittle on it."

Hermione glanced up.  Ron had already opened the box and had started putting several bandages on his arm.

"Ron!  You're not supposed to take them out of the wrapping!  That's shoplifting.  Put them back before one of the employees sees you," Hermione hissed.

The carefree redhead seemed to ignore her.

"Harry, they don't look that bad do they?  I think this one with the Snopplax is pretty neat."

Harry just shook his head.  "We're supposed to be sixteen, Ron.  Sixteen year olds don't have cartoons on their Band-Aids.  Now put them back."

Neville looked up from the toothpaste.  "I think they are remarkable.  I've never seen a cartOOn before."

Lavender, who had been looking at the variety of lip glosses at the end of the aisle, poked her head up with interest.  "What's a cartOOn?" 

"Come on.  Let's see if this place has an electronics section.  You might actually be able to see one," Hermione said while letting out a deep, audible breath

Seamus wrinkled his nose at the sound of the new word.  "Elktranicts?"

"Things with plugs," Ron muttered under his breath.  The redhead was all too familiar with electronics.  His father owned an extensive collection of plugs.

~*~*~*````*~*~*~

            "Wow!  So that's a movie," Seamus cried in delight.  Ron, Lavender, and Neville, being raised in wizarding families, had never seen any sort of television and were quite amazed by it.

            Hermione was quick to correct Seamus.  "No, it was a preview of an upcoming cartoon.  Maybe we'll see it while we are here."

            "That was just a preview?!?!  We are defiantly going to see it!" Ron enthusiastically said. 

            Harry looked at his wristwatch out of habit.  "Shit.  Does everyone have what they are buying?  We have five minutes to checkout."

            Hermione held up a few bottles of hair products.  She felt she needed something to pamper her beautiful mane with.  Seamus held up a few tubs of play-doh.  Neville was buying some acne medication (being a teen didn't agree with his skin all that much) and an appointment book.  Lavender had a little basket full of makeup.

            "I don't think you are going to have enough money for all of that, Lav," Hermione hinted.

            "I suppose your right.  I guess I don't need four different kinds of blushes."

            Harry pushed back a few strands of his hair from his forehead.  "Okay.  Let's go check out."

            The Gryffindors walked up to the checkout and they earned a couple of odd looks from the cashier.  It wasn't every morning that he had a group of teenagers buy items at six in the morning.

            "Oh no!" Neville cried out.  "I've lost my money!"

            "No you didn't.  I took it when you weren't looking.  I didn't want you to lose it," Harry said with a smile.

            "Oh.  Thanks…I guess."

            The cashier looked at the group with even more interest now.  "Are you all from Canada?"

            Ron was just about to reply when Hermione stepped in.  "No, we're from London actually.  We were just stopping from the airport on our way to the hotel."

            "That's nice," the balding man said while scanning Harry's football.  "Hope you enjoy yourselves."  He continued to scan items and everyone paid.  

Seamus had the most difficulty dealing with the currency.  He kept insisting that he wasn't getting proper change back.  In the end, Hermione pointed out that he was getting the correct change.  Just as the group finished up, the Slytherins came to get checked out.

Malfoy and Crabbe laid two large water guns on the checkout line.  They paid and stepped opposite of Harry and Ron.  Millicent blushed furiously as she placed a bottle of Metabolife-356 (a weight loss drug) on the counter.  However, her blush was nothing compared to Pansy's.  The normally obnoxious girl put her head down as she placed 3 EPT pregnancy tests down on the checkout.

"What are those for, Pansy?" Malfoy sneered.

Her face became a shade deep crimson.  "You know I have a boyfriend, Draco.  And I hate to ask Madam Pomfrey to do the test."

"I don't see why you fancy that Braddock.  Quite a cock if you ask me."

She swallowed her anger and handed over the money to the cashier.  The group of first years went to the entrance looking for Mr. Weasley.

"Where is that disgusting father of yours, Weasley?  I don't know how we ended up with him for a chaperone."

"Shut up, Malfoy!" Ron hissed.

Draco continued despite, "I bet he begged the Ministry to come.  He would never be able to afford to go to America any other way."

"Why if I had my wand I'd…"

"You'd do what?  Try to hex me.  Please, I'd like to see you try."

Harry tugged at Ron's shirt.  He didn't want to be cleaning anyone's blood off the floor of Wal-Mart.  "Ron, lets go look for your dad.  We have to leave soon or we'll be late."

"Fine.  But I'm warning you Malfoy."

"Yeah, whatever.  Go look for Daddy.  I bet he's lost!" Draco said and Crabbe grunted in amusement.

Harry dragged Ron off to look for his father before a fist fight broke out.  They found him ten minutes later in the appliance isle.  His eyes lit up brightly as he flipped the microwave door open and shut repeatedly.

"Dad!  Dad?!"

"Huh?  Oh!  Time to go already?  We'll have to get one of these when we get home, Ron.  Look at it!  It opens," he flipped the door open, "And closes."  He slammed the door shut.  "Opens…"

"DAD!  Can we go now?

"Yea but isn't this amazing?"

"Come on.  We're late, Dad."

After some coaxing, Harry and Ron managed to get Mr. Weasley outside and the group of Slytherins and Gryffindors touched the portkey.  As fast as the group had appeared, they disappeared into the semidarkness.


End file.
